Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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