I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
