As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
