Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
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He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
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It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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