Will you blow on my dice?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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