If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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