My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
