god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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