ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
