She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
