I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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