I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
