On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If that was your dad, he is hot
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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