just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
