the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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