Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
