Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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