Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
