last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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