Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
