instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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