There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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