i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
