We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
and you fell through a lawn chair
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
