I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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