Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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