i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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