i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
our cab driver is having phone sex.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
