so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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