Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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