His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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