If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
