She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
