dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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