I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
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I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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