How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
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Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
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Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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