...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
