well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
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Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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