i dedicated my morning wood to you.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
