wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
