Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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