All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
