When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
