I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
