I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
