last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
honey bunches of taint.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
