I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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