at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
