Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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