Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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