Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
