Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
