You just made me feel so damn special
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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