I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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