What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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