If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
