My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
