You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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